I have had the past coming up for me a lot recently. Some emotions I’m still healing from, some memories and pain I’m still trying to let go of. And this is mostly related to my past relationships. So, that’s what I want to talk about in this post.
I’ve been working on this post for weeks now because I couldn’t ever really get myself to open up about it. I would start writing and then close up, walking away and not coming back for a while. Which means I really do have more to work on when it comes to releasing the past relationships I’ve had.
Why Our Relationships With Ourselves Are Important
Our inner and outer relationships are so important. The way you feel about yourself reflects how your relationships will be with others. If you’re putting yourself last and don’t even know what you want, chances are, you’re going to attract people into your life that are putting you last and make you feel like they don’t even know if they want you.
And this is my SPECIALTY. I used to always attract people that did not care about me enough to make me a priority, and I pushed away the people who cared about me and wanted to grow with me. I craved love and understanding, I craved to be known but was so afraid of it at the same time.
And I still crave these things. To be known, to not have to translate my language anymore. However, the key here is to find that in yourself first. So, I now know, I have to create that in myself. To love myself, care for myself, understand myself, before I can ever even think about someone else. Everything starts with you. Everything you need to know is within you, not outside of you.
What My Relationships Were Like
Both my romantic and platonic relationships were never balanced. There was never an equal amount of give and take. It was mostly me giving and others taking. I was so ready to give my all to everyone else but felt selfish and bad for giving it to myself.
Most of the time, I was changing myself to fit other people and allowing them to consume my life. I easily lost myself in other people and did everything I could to please them, even if that meant causing a war inside of myself.
I have always been the chaser, trying to force people to be in my life when it was apparent that they didn’t want to. And, I have always tried to control every situation in my life because my ego could never just let things be. For that reason, I have always attracted people that weren’t available to me. No matter what I did, or how much I changed myself to be what other people wanted, it just never worked out for me.
They were all truly unavailable to me, even if it seemed like they were on the surface. Deep down, there was always something blocking a successful relationship full of unconditional love.
unrequited love
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always liked boys that never liked me. And I don’t think it was ever because I wanted something I couldn’t have, but because I wanted the validation. I wanted them to like me, and I forced an image of what I wanted on them.
In my head, they had the potential to be perfect because I always saw a glimpse of light in them. I was falling in love with who I thought they could be, and not who they actually were. And then when they weren’t what I thought they were, I resented them. They showed me who they truly were, and I kept ignoring it, thinking they would change.
They never did change. I did.
And I kept changing, kept shedding older versions of myself, older layers of myself. Every time my heart broke, I lost a part of myself. I would cling to those parts of myself because I was afraid to let them go, until eventually I was forced to let them go. In the same way, I would cling to these people because I was afraid to let them go, afraid that I would never find someone to actually love me unconditionally. And every single time, the universe would somehow find a way for me to let go and walk away.
Being an Empath in relationships
The most confusing part for me was always that I couldn’t decipher my feelings and thoughts from other people’s feelings and thoughts. I’ve always been like sponge, absorbing all the frequencies and energy around me.
I always put everyone else’s traumas, problems, and feelings on myself and carried them all like the heaviest weight in the world. I made their hurt my hurt, and I never really realized it. And every time I took their pain, I made it harder for myself and I hated myself. I couldn’t understand why I hated myself so much, but now after all this time, I can see it was because I took everything so personally and saw my superpower as a weakness.
I didn’t understand how to ground myself, how to know what it was that I was truly feeling and experiencing, or how to set any boundaries. Instead, I was pouring myself into others and trying to fix them and their hurt. I never could fix their pain.
I realized later that I was always just a mirror for their pain, a light shining on what was truly inside of them. And part of me thinks they hated me for that, even if it was unintentional.
I know it’s hard to look at yourself to your core, knowing that you’ve made mistakes and caused pain for yourself and others.
Learning to let go and accept myself
As miserable as I was, I wouldn’t have changed anything that’s happened. It was all a lesson for me, the rock bottom that guided me to myself. As I was angry and suffering, my higher self was there, loving me and guiding me to my heart. She knew I would be okay. She knew I would come back from the ashes like a phoenix, stronger than I ever was before.
So, I picked up the pieces and started coming home to myself. I started opening myself up and letting everything pour out of me. The trauma, the anger, the stress, the sadness, the fear. I lost myself in my inner world, following all the intricate details of who I am and what I want.
I have cracked open my chest to let my heart shine through. To let the essence of who I am shine through. To let my soul finally shine through. I’m so tired of hiding, so tired of performing and pretending to be someone I’m not so that I can be enough for other people to handle.
I’m so tired of people calling me too much, crazy, and dramatic. Tired of holding on to people and things that aren’t for me, that were never really for me. I don’t want to hide anymore, and I don’t want to be afraid of being seen. This is me, in all of my essence, and I accept it with everything I have.
Welcoming myself home
I’ve never really felt at home anywhere, except in Bosnia with my family and nature. But I’ve felt so at home with myself lately. No longer looking for validation outside of myself, and no longer looking for answers outside of myself.
Everything I need, I already have within me. All the knowledge, the power, the love, the validation. It’s all here, residing in my heart. So, I will no longer be searching for myself in other people, and I will no longer be accepting the breadcrumbs of love and attention that people think are acceptable.
You can always read more about my self-love journey here or watch my video about it here.
Make sure to follow along on my socials and check out my YouTube channel! <3