To the girl I used to be:
I know that your path is unknown and that your fear is present every day. I know that walking away from the things you thought you deserved wasn’t easy, and that leaving the old you behind felt unfamiliar and daunting. You tried so hard to carry all the parts of you that died into every phase of your life, but it was only holding you back from the light within you, from the rebirth of your soul. All that effort you put into protecting yourself was not a waste. It was what helped you survive. I know that you didn’t even think you would make it this far–that you couldn’t fathom surviving the pain that was burrowed so deep within your bones. The pain that wasn’t only yours but also the pain of the generations before you. The pain that none of them could feel and let go of. It is your responsibility now.
You have so many wonderful experiences awaiting you. So much magic and love waiting for you to open your eyes and your heart. This time that you use to slow down, feel the pain, and awaken your soul is going to be such a wonderful time for you. I know it doesn’t make sense right now and I know it seems so frightening but jump anyways. Take the leap into the unknown and trust that future you will be there to catch you. Because she is there, waiting for you.
This connection that you have during this time will be the most important in your life thus far. It is the connection that you have with yourself. You will fully start running towards yourself, to all parts of you. But you will know that all of these parts were within you the whole time, you were just afraid to see them. You will know that all of these parts weren’t ever separate, but that they made up you.
It’s okay to grieve, because you will. You will grieve all of the deaths of who you were, all of the relationships that you had to let go of, and all of the loved ones that you lost. It will all come in waves, and you will feel so disconnected from the world around you. But don’t you dare feel guilty for shutting the world out and connecting to yourself. Don’t feel guilty for being alone and enjoying your solitude, or for speaking to the Universe, to the trees, the birds, the wind, the moon. You have always felt different and out of place, so why not really get into it and connect to the things that aren’t seen as normal.
Feel it all out and cry it all out, my love. Don’t feel ashamed or apologize for being so sensitive. Your sensitivity is a gift, and you’ll see why soon. Your sensitivity helps you connect with yourself and with the world around you. You’ll be able to so easily tell when things are off for you and when it’s time to walk away. You’ll also see how protected you are and how that sensitivity helps you connect with Universe in so many ways.
There will be so many days that seem so mundane and boring, but you did ask for peace after all. You will finally know that peace within you, that unshakeable bond with yourself. Hold onto it and keep moving forward. The past no longer exists, and the future isn’t here yet, so take every day as it comes.
You will not be exactly where you want to be a year from now, but there will be many changes within yourself. Life won’t seem so bleak anymore and you’ll finally be happy to be alive. You’ll finally understand a lot about yourself, and you’ll have the chance to keep connecting the dots. But don’t forget to live and have fun along the way. You don’t have to be so strict with yourself to heal. You can still do the things you want, travel, and explore the world around you without feeling guilty or feeling like you’re going backwards. Enjoy the journey and stop being so concerned with the destination.
You are the mountains, the trees, the flowers, the oceans, love. You have the Universe within you. So please, stop downplaying yourself. The sooner you realize that you are everything and that everything is you, the sooner you can enjoy life for what it really is.
You can do this, even on the days that you feel like giving up and going back to the past. Your strength and fearlessness will get you through it all. And I will be here waiting for you. I’ll be seeing you.
All my love,
Future You <3
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